Year: 2007
Place: NYC
Rob Huebel…….. a name that will haunt my dreams. Some of you may know him; most of you probably have no idea of his existence. Rob Huebel is a semi-famous actor/ comedian, but more importantly he has held a spot on my “Future Husband list” for quite some time.
My FHL is a mental list I keep of men who I would consider marrying at some point in time. There is only one way to secure a spot on my list: you must be freakin hilarious. Not too sexy or too famous, that way I don’t have to worry about you cheating on me with dirty whores, but period, point blank you have to make my panties wet………..from laughter.
I have never actually met any of the men on my list in real life, until recently. As I was walking into my building, a couple weeks ago, I noticed Rob Huebel walking in right behind me. You can imagine my surprise. What are the odds of someone on my FHL living in my building?! I mean come on! Obviously this was fate and we really were meant to get married and have ridiculously funny children.
All I had to do was play it cool, introduce myself and let my witty, sexual nature do the rest. Well….it didn’t exactly go as planned. In a creepy, stalker’ish way, I asked Mr. Huebel if he lived in the building. Mind you, as I said this I continued to walk backwards and grasp the wall, with a look of utter astonishment and awe on my face.
Instead of telling him I was a fan of his work in AssCat, Best Week Ever, or Human Giant; I decided to say, “I’m your friend on myspace……….. I Drive A Performance Vehicle……that’s me!” The man looked completely weirded out and who could blame him?
I just couldn’t keep it together. I am normally a witty bitch. Guys love me, but this wasn’t just any guy, this was a man; a funny man. I left that encounter with a new found mission: don’t act like a psycho the next time I see him, pray I’m wearing something slutty and also try to work marriage into the conversation.
Days passed, but finally, one night I was leaving the bar across the street from my apartment, when I spotted him approaching the front door. I sprinted across the street, like a 12 year old chasing the Backstreet Boys, and casually walked in behind him. From behind me, I could hear one of my friends sarcastically yell, “Oh my God, is that Rob Huebel?!” Because all of my friends find my future husband slipping through my fingers hilarious.
As Rob walked through the lobby I could tell he was holding in laughter. He probably thinks I recruited more Rob Huebel stalkers and we have weekly meetings across the street. I was pretty sure a restraining order was in my near future.
Then last week happened. Last Wednesday pretty much solidified the fact Rob Huebel will never marry me and is probably looking for a new apartment.
5 am Wednesday night/ Thursday morning I get home. I’m a little drunk, but coherent. I have two guy friends with me (not how it seems). We get to the door and I realize I lost my flippin keys. I go to hail a cab when I hear one my friends yell, “Sarah, don’t worry this guy will buzz us in.”
I turn around and who do I see? Rob Fucking Huebel, at his window, looking confused and irritated after being woken at 5am. Out of all the windows they could have knocked on they had to choose his.
Considering all prior events, Rob Huebel obviously thinks I am a psycho stalker who enjoys threesomes at 5am. I mean, my ex’s thought I was crazy, but they were already addicted to the sex by the time they completely figured it out.
Rob hasn’t even gotten to see me at the beginning of the night, when I look hot and smell clean. Just at the end, when I reek of booze and cigarettes and look like I’ve been dry humped against a wall for 5 hours.
To top it off, yesterday, I was in front of my building talking to my Mom about a sexual dream I had about R.H. Where he was a Central Park Ranger and I started an illegal fire and he had to punish me, when he walked outside and I think he may have heard me.
Hopefully he didn’t hear the part about the marshmallows……or the Ninja Stars…..
Who am I kidding? I should just delete the sexiest Central Park Ranger I have ever seen from my future husband list. I should just be happy I don’t have a restraining order or unsightly scars due to improper use of Ninja Stars.
Damn you Rob Huebel! Damn you. I will remember you fondly every time I pass by your door on my way to the stairs, only now I won’t stop and caress your peephole ever so slightly. I have to let you go. I just have to keep telling myself you have a small penis. I also may want to consider drinking less…..and getting rid of that tattoo………
P.S.
Stephen Lynch, if you read this, you just got bumped up a spot! So give me a call sometime. My number is in the stall of most NYC restrooms.
